In eighteen days I will be in my New York home. I am both completely happy and completely sad.
Honestly, I'm so overwhelmed with leaving my family here, going to see my family back home, packing, planning for a trip to Ireland, saying goodbyes, and soaking up the last few weeks, that I can only come up with one emotion at the moment, and that is that I miss my dog.
Right? She's gone for a whole year and the most she can say is that she misses her dog?
It's more that there is so much I want to say and is swirling around in my head that I have to think in simple terms. Going back home will include so many emotions, and will consist of trying to share my stories with people who have lived a whole year without me (ego burst). I will be having conversations with people who have changed and may not see eye-to-eye with the new Courtney. Or maybe you do, but it's still overwhelming to try and catch you up on such a life-and-perspective-changing year.
My dog, though, will love me just the same (assuming he remembers me. Oh, how sad is that.) and I know that it will take him no time at all to relearn his trusted spot on my bedside where I can just sit with him without having to explain anything (which is good, because he always has that adorable goofy look on his face when I try to explain things. I'm not sure he's a very good listener.).
Of course, I want to talk and create new memories with all of you, too! It will just be different for me- remembering how to exist in American culture, remembering my role in the communities I'm a part of. Granted, not all of it will be difficult: I am pretty sure I will remember how to eat at Panera just as soon as my little feet can carry me, and you won't have to reteach me how to drive in my car (at least... I assume so. We'll find out, won't we? WAHOOOOOOOO!!!!).
In order to help you help me when I get back to the States, I've come up with a few thoughts I'd like to share. I figure it's best to be blunt with some of what I anticipate having to process through as I return, rather than expect you to read my mind (I know I've been gone for a while, but you haven't mastered that skill yet, have you?). Here are some things I ask that you keep in mind:
I've experienced a lot over the past ten months and I am still processing through what it meant at the time and what it will mean for me now. There have been really happy times, and really crummy times (it was life for year, after all). Some of my views may be new to you, and we may get into really intense discussions. Please don't take it personally if I end up extremely animated, crying, or just needing to walk away. Please also understand that I am fragile at this time. I offer this not as an excuse, but as an explanation.
I understand and appreciate that there are multiple narratives that come from this area. I hope that you will be able to hear my stories with an open mind (I’m very intentional about trying to present it in a non-polarizing way). While we can agree to disagree on how we should approach action and policies, this is my experience, please don't tell me I'm wrong about what I experienced and how it made me feel. I would love to hear your stories and experiences, and I would love to share mine.
Please respect me as an intellectual. I have sought out information and try very hard to hear both sides of the story. I have not been "brainwashed" into thinking one way or another; I am not a follower. Please understand that I know my opinions may change, but they will not change because "I will know better when I am older" or "I will understand if I have experienced this or that". The only me that exists right now is the present me, and this is what I see.
I ask that you call me out if I knowingly or unknowingly share misinformation, and I ask that you understand the respect and humility with which I will do the same. One of my seminary professors first shared with me the extent to which we are called to action in the Eighth Commandment: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Did you read that in a Charlton Heston voice? Because I did.). In this God desires not only for us to not lie or knowingly lead someone into believing something that is not true, but for us to make sure that mistruths, or untruths, are not shared about anyone, too. We cannot be complicit in other's bearing false witness, unintentionally or otherwise. There is a lot of misinformation and generalizations that circulate about this region of the world and the realities that exist. I hope you understand that I will seek to correct this misinformation when I can, but that I do it with humility and the utmost respect. Similarly, I encourage you to ask me questions when I make statements that you're not sure the validity of.
Please ask me specific questions. Rather than “how was your trip” maybe try, "What did you find most challenging?" or "What brought you the most hope?" Maybe even, "Tell me about the food, dance, women's roles, friends, education, etc." I want to share my experience with you so much, but generic questions are very overwhelming and will probably result in both of us being frustrated.
I am very intentional about naming this place Palestine and the people Palestinians. There are many names that cover this small area: West Bank, Occupied Palestinian Territories, Holy Land, etc. Know that names are intentional and each different name has a social/political//historical/theological implication for someone. For myself, I use the name “Palestine” to refer to the West Bank and Gaza; I do not appreciate calling the West Bank “Judea and Samaria” (huge religious and political implications); and I am very intentional about its neighbor being “the state of Israel” (helps me distinguish between the “people of Israel/Jacob” in the Old Testament and the current political state). I’d love to talk with you about names and what they can and do mean today!
“Just because I am an advocate for Palestine, doesn’t mean I deny Israel or am anti-Israel. One of the downfalls in our language is the assumption that when we are “pro” something we must “anti” something else. In this case, if I say I am pro-Palestine, there is often an assumption that I must be anti-Israeli. I may not always agree with all of the Israeli’s governments policies, I am not denying their right to exist and live in peace, so long as it is just peace for all in this area. So I guess if we need to put it in “pro” and “anti” terms- I am pro-Human rights and anti-oppression; I am pro-love and anti-hate; I am pro-dignity and anti-humiliation.” [Quoted from my friend Alma's blog, Luv Is A Verb]
I lived and worked primarily among Palestinian Christians. While the Christian communities are certainly not in the majority, they are a huge voice in society, and the predominant voice in my narrative. In fact, Palestinian Christians have been here since, well, the beginning of Christianity. They were among the first voices to proclaim the gospel and continue to do so today. With style, I might add! With that said, I know quite a few Palestinian Muslims, too. They have contributed much to my experience, especially in my stories of hospitality. As a result of my year living here, I am very sensitive to claims that the two religious communities are at odds with each other, or negative views of one or the other based solely on impression of their religious views (so varied) which I think serves to detract from the larger issue at hand here (the Occupation). I'd love to talk with you more about my experience with both Christians and Muslims!
So there are eight different things that I hope will be helpful for you as I make my way back into your lives.
I have changed. So have you.
This is scary, but it's part of life.
I am so thankful for your prayers and support over the past months and years, as I have continued to discern my call and embarked on this latest journey. I look forward to coming back and talking and celebrating with all of you. I've missed you dearly.
I also miss my dog.
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Ollie bear taking a snooze. This is probably similar to the expression
he'll wear when I tell him my stories of the past year :) |
